What good am I?

Feeling disturbed about everything that's been going on, and for the umpteenth time in all these 22 years, the fear and acceptance of failing looms over. I mean failing not only academically (this applies still) - or rather, not only JUST academically.

For one, I'm too stupid to take my exams. Still befuddled, confused, disorganised; and a particularly nasty Prof (there are only 2 relevant ones during this time, go figure..) made a pep talk this morning that was not at all reassuring. Can't quite stand him, he gives me a very nasty first impression. And I'm almost sure that he's still single. Maybe one day, when he gets Alzheimer's, genuine stress incontinence, fungating male breast cancer, Paget's disease, suprabulbar palsy and bezoar intestinal obstruction, I'll applaud with gusto. Anyway, I disgressed.

Once again, neglected friends as well, so that part of life's gone *poof* out of the window. Ken called, I hardly had time to speak to him and promised him a real meet-up during my 1 week break: note to self, this MUST happen, even if it means going all the way down to his place at Yishun. Some other guy whom I'm not close to called too, about CPs, and supposed to meet him during that time too. Supposed to have lunch with Mimi tomorrow, but just realised I have a tutorial after the scary test ... promised to meet him this Fri. I'm trying very hard here, just to hang on to people who matter. And it's only just enough.

And, of course, personal problems - I mean, things in the head. I'm not delusional or a psych case, by the way. Just little quirks here and there, some unhappiness about myself ... and some unwarranted (as some may view it) grousing about things I never have but want.

I know people are never perfect. I just happen to be at the extreme end of imperfection.

Maybe it's just pre-exam depression. Or maybe they're just perennial problems that show up more candidly when one has more than a decent amount of time to muse. Typical inefficient day: Skim-relax-muse-study-relax-muse-study-relax-get irritated, and so on. Honestly, I'm thinking vaguely of visiting some obscure GP for tricyclics. Valium would be good. Better yet, if only I could convince someone to put me into a barbiturate coma. Nice not to think for once.