DSM-IV Criteria for Major Depressive Episode - again.



(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day

(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure nearly every day

(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

(4) insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day

(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day

(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day

(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day

(9) recurrent thoughts of death

I scored for every single damn one today. For (9), I'm taking it at surface value - I did think I was about to drop dead any moment after a particularly nasty, protracted Wenkybach episode tonight.

To top it all, I'm going through a sad -> eat -> get fat -> get sad -> eat cycle right now.

I hate this freaking posting.

To my dear friends who will eventually embark on this eventually, just some words of advice - prophylactic Prozac.

I hate to imagine what'll happen during the internship. Somehow, my mental sinews need to toughen up. Need to get strong from within. Never mind the loneliness, never mind the scariness, never mind the miscellaneous troubles that simply roll into the way at a time when what I really need is a clear path to concentrate on. Just get down to doing it, and getting through it.

Perhaps it's got something to do with being in final year? It's everything I expected it to be. From the forgiving, slightly-mollified exclamations of ,"Ah! You're year 3s" to the accusatory, reprimanding comments of, "You're final years, you should know this!". That, and knowing that I'll be in a room all by myself, with 3 examiners who'll seal my fate in 8 months' time.

Somehow I'm taking this posting too seriously. Way too seriously. Even though I DID talk to myself, reasoning it out that it fucking doesn't matter anyway. I'm fretting about a test, I'm actually STUDYING for once, and I got myself upset enough to binge on noodles tonight. I can think of one tutor who made it worse today. I know it. MH, who was with me, was entirely pissed with him too. Hope he dies of fungating, ulcerating, oozing wounds from HIV.

OK, had enough. I AM going to thoroughly enjoy myself tonight. Yes. A nice drink, a couple of apples, good music and a nice book. Live while I can eh? Because, I might drop dead anytime anyway. I know it's probably not a Wenchybach anymore from the change in how the blocks occur, but fuck it. If it cranks up on me, so be it.